When you live with a condition which makes processing the world around you almost impossible; when every light is too bright; when every sound is too loud; every conversation void of any meaning or consequence, why would you even get out of bed?
I just did. Most days.
I just do. Most days.
We are kind of expected to, so we do it. Normal kids went to school every day. So I did.
Well I tried.
And I could try because I had people. Good people. Amazing people. They encouraged me to attempt and made me see that failure is not the end. It is only really failure if you stop.
I started uni six weeks ago (Portsmouth start early) and I freaked the hell out. I knew I would but Christ did I freak out. For about a week I was a mess and didn’t think I’d make it till Christmas.
Thing is, I hadn’t met the right people.
Obviously I had to settle and work out where things were and set some resemblance of routine, but its people.
They made me see, or at least remember that it’s a huge deal; me getting here and its okay to acknowledge that.
People living with illness and disability deal with so much shit every day and we do so much without realising. I know it’s hard to think about how different our lives are but isn’t that what makes us awesome?
I got 11 GCSEs on less than 80% attendance. I am now at university which, at several points, I did not think would happen.
Meeting new people is weird (and at uni you meet new people all the time. Last night/ this morning I met Kev the burger man in Southsea). They get freaked out and immediately think that you’re amazing.
That’s annoying at first because it feels like being ill and surviving (two things I had no control over) are the most defining things about me. But then you talk a bit more and get to know each other. As you tell them about the times you failed and screwed up in your teenage years, you realise that there is something important.
It’s the choice. You didn’t really fail because you chose to acknowledge your shit, pick up as much as you could carry, and you carried on. You worked it out. Maybe you stumbled but you got there.
That’s how I got to uni where I met my new people. One of them said to me the other day: “You can’t fail at life, as long as you keep living it.”
They are good people. They might tell you that they are only doing as much as anybody else would and that they are nothing special. Ignore them.
Good people show you how much you are worth.
Everybody needs people.
I’ve got mine.